The legendary football coach Joe Paterno was laid to rest this past week, with his passing reigniting the recent debate over whether he could or should have done more to protect young boys from sexual abuse. Despite the fact that it’s his former assistant coach, Jerry Sandusky, facing over 50 counts of child sexual abuse, the public’s venomous wrath has focused on Paterno. The few comments he made about the situation, before succumbing to lung cancer January 22, have been ridiculed as seeming incredulous.

As a sexuality educator, I have not been surprised by Paterno’s explanations about his reactions to Sandusky’s alleged activities and how he fulfilled his legal obligations of reporting what he learned to his superiors. Like it or not, his statements are reflective of how most individuals, including his critics, would respond.

“He didn’t want to get specific.”

In an interview with the Washington Post, Paterno explained how assistant coach, Mike McQueary, had come to his home one Saturday evening in 2002 to inform him that he’d seen what looked like inappropriate touching or fondling between Sandusky and a young boy in the shower at Penn State’s Lasch Football Building. Many have criticized Paterno and McQueary for not discussing the details of what McQueary saw.

Reality check: How easy would it be for you to talk about sex with your superior or employee, especially when there’s a 50-year age difference and power dynamic involved? Despite rampant popular press discussions about sex, it’s still hard for individuals of all ages to talk about sex. Whether it’s two lovers, a parent and child, teacher and students… most people do not have the comfortability and language to effectively communicate about sexuality, especially when it involves a matter causing anxiety and distress, and accusations against people that you know and respect.

So it should come as no shocker that these full grown men did not get into the nitty gritty of what took place, especially since Paterno described McQueary as having been upset. Like it or not, their lack of discourse is the norm. Often starved of sexuality education, let alone any forum in which to learn about sex communication, most people don’t have the lingo, confidence, or ability to have sex conversations. The end results: miscommunication and a failure to adequately address problems. 

“To be frank with you I didn’t know that it would have done any good, because I never heard of, of, rape and a man. “

It has only been recently that people, namely younger generations who are fortunate enough to get a taste of sexual assault prevention education, have become aware that males can be raped. Consider that it is only in the last month that the FBI changed its definition of rape, announcing that it will include the rapes of men and statutory rape in its official statistics (for its annual Uniform Crime Reports). Until now, it only counted the “carnal knowledge of a female forcibly and against her will.”

Given the generation that Paterno is from, it’s understandable that any rape awareness he might’ve been exposed to only focused on women. Regardless of age, both males and females have a hard time grasping how a male can be raped since he doesn’t have a vagina. Add to this the fact that a successful child sexual predator is characterized as clever, secretive, charming, pleasant, engaging, skilled at reassuring that nothing is wrong, an expert at giving a convincing façade… and many end up getting duped on who can do what to whom.

“I didn’t know exactly how to handle it and I was afraid to do something that might jeopardize what the university procedure was. So I backed away and turned it over to some other people, people I thought would have a little more expertise than I did. It didn’t work out that way.”

Ever hear of the PLISSIT model? Used by therapists and healthcare practitioners to assess and manage clients’ sexuality, this assessment is grounded in professionals making referrals when they’re out of their league in handling a situation. Failure to refer, let alone try to address a matter where one has no training, background, or expertise, would be considered unethical.

So why is Paterno being faulted for the fact that he didn’t follow up more aggressively with his superiors or the police about Sandusky’s alleged activities? Like so many other professionals in so many other fields, he did the right thing, trusting that his superiors would be better able to handle the situation than he could. It’s not his fault that they didn’t.

“So I sat around. It was a Saturday. Waited till Sunday because I wanted to make sure I knew what I was doing. And then I called my superiors… I had never had to deal with something like that. And I didn’t feel adequate."

Many have thrown harsh criticism at Paterno for not acting right away. While a heroic, Superman response would’ve been ideal, it’s just that – a fantasy. And maybe it should stay so given that levying sexual abuse charges against somebody is a huge deal. Any misstep could end up ruining innocent lives if the accused isn’t guilty.

Between processing the shock of the situation, the wave of emotions unleashed, and a plan of action, it was right of Paterno to “sleep on it.” Isn’t it Proverbs 19:2 that reads: “Enthusiasm without knowledge is no good; Haste makes mistakes”?

“In hindsight, I wish that I had done more.”

This statement doesn’t incriminate Paterno any more than it should anyone else. When it comes to sexual assault of any kind against anybody, almost everybody could say the same. Everyone should be saying they could’ve done more to prevent sexual abuse.

“I don’t want to walk away from this thing bitter. I want to be helpful.”

Despite the fact that Paterno was terminated via phone after over 60 years of service at Penn State, he and his wife, Sue, continued their generous philanthropy, donating another $100,000 to the school in December. In spite of people brutally questioning a life he’d defined with honor, academics, and sportsmanship, he chose to be positive. How many people could say that?

Like every Penn Stater, I’m absolutely heartbroken by the child sexual abuse charges being levied against former football defensive coordinator Jerry Sandusky. I am sickened and disgusted by the perjury charges being faced by the university’s athletic director, Tim Curley, and vice president for finance and business, Gary Schultz, both of whom are accused of failing to alert police of sexual abuse allegations.

This weekend’s initial shock and anger has been replaced by a deep sadness and a sense of betrayal. As an alumni and somebody who spent her formative years (10 to 21-years-old) in State College, this is very personal. My seemingly idyllic community has been tarnished; my cherished football team is being shamed and disgraced; and my alma mater’s slogan of “Success with honor” is being mocked.

Yet, worst of all, all indicators are that at least eight boys were violated over 15 years by Sandusky, with the system, at every level, failing to protect them. An outraged community and nation want answers and justice. The debate has just begun as far as who is guilty for what they did, or rather what they did not do in preventing more abuse.

While we may not be able to right any wrongs, in addition to letting the judicial system run its due course, there’s a lot that can be done in combating future incidences of child sexual abuse. There’s plenty that can be done in positively moving forward, and beginning the process of healing.  

Donate to an organization that seeks to end childhood sexual abuse via awareness, education, and advocacy, e.g., the National Association to Prevent Sexual Abuse of Children. Don’t overlook supporting groups that assist victims of all ages, of all types of sexual violence, like RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network).

Talk to your children. If you’re a parent or caregiver, take the time to educate your child about good touch/bad touch, people who make them uncomfortable, people who give them special gifts, and times that it’s not okay to keep a secret, even if they’ve made a promise to do such. Take advantage of the fact that troubling headliners offer teachable moments. Whether or not you realize it, your children are not immune to what they’re seeing and hearing about this scandal, especially if it involves their heroes. They want and need your guidance, and they need to learn how to effectively communicate about sex and inappropriate sexual advances.

Support comprehensive sexuality education programs. The lesson plans of such curricula often include informing youth that no one else is to see or touch their private parts. Workshops also encourage them to report sexual abuse to a trusted adult.

Become an advocate. Learn what you can do to assist those who have been sexually abused by contacting local or national groups that seek to protect children. (See the U.S. Department of Health & Human Services Child Welfare Information Gateway website in getting started.)

If you’re a Penn Stater, stay proud. Yes, this is one of the university’s darkest moments, and the actions of a few have brought dishonor upon us all. But the bad apples in the bunch should not take away from the many things we have to be proud of in saying “We are Penn State.” We are a community that does not and will not tolerate sexual wrongdoings of any kind. We are also a community that contributes positively to society in so many ways, like Dance Marathon, which raises millions of dollars ever year to fight pediatric cancer.

If you’re not a Penn Stater, don’t judge. Sadly, you need to do no more than look in your own backyard to find that the same wrongs are being committed against other children. According to the National Resource Council, at least 20-24% of the U.S. population has been sexually abused. It’s an issue affecting every community, and more needs to be done about it everywhere.

Support the victims. People who have shared with me that they were sexually abused as children have also stated that others’ reactions are sometimes as bad as the violation itself. Failure to withhold one’s shock, horror, and repulsion can leave a survivor feeling guilty, dirty, and, as an adult, undesirable. So keep how appalled you are in check and strive to provide assistance.

Continue to stand behind PSU students and athletes. They are not at fault. They have done nothing wrong. Whether studying for their next big exam, acting as a student ambassador, or preparing for their next major sporting event this weekend, those currently at the university and representing it need your support more than ever.

Practice compassion. While it’s hard not to get caught up in the lynch mob wanting to hold people accountable for what they could’ve, should’ve done, it’s important to remember that – guilty or not – people’s lives are being ruined. Family members of those involved are being branded with a scarlet letter as well. A lot of good people who have done no wrong are hurting and need your empathy.

Resist publicly charging anyone as guilty until it’s proven so by a court. From opinion columns to blogs to Facebook conversations, there are a lot of strong opinions out there about this scandal amidst misinformation and speculation. And while everyone is certainly entitled to give their two-cents’ worth, let’s not forget that reputations are on the line– ones like JoePa’s, which have proven themselves exemplary until this story broke.

Become legally informed. Learn not only what the law in your state requires when it comes to reporting suspected abuse, but also know who to contact and how, e.g., a ChildLine Service, should you ever learn of a potential or definite violation. Inaction is often bred by ignorance.   

Take care of yourself. Sexual abuse is an emotionally charged, incredibly difficult travesty to process and deal with. There is no shame in finding somebody to talk to, whether a religious leader, counselor, or support group.

With swimming being my sanity and writing my way of dealing with all of this, the two are helping to keep the tears at bay. Hopefully, every one of you can find ways to constructively handle this situation. Doing something positive, in the face of adversity, can ultimately have all of us doing our part in protecting our children.